I have my music blasting, and I'm thinking... I need to change. Change has many definitions. But I'm really thinking of one exactly. Or in this case, several:

"Change: (v.) to become different; to become altered or modified; to become transformed or modified"
(courtesy of dictionary.com, of course)

Now I'm thinking, change in more than just one way. But which ways, L? Well, there are too many ways.

Firstly, I guess 'change' as in... sleeping habits. Yes, sleeping habits. I feel guilty sleeping only 3-4 hours a day on weekdays, and 9 on weekends. I really do. I mean, jeezus. It's completely messing everything up. And I'm still young, so it's completely messing with my health. Not goooood. Especially when a certain Math teacher warns you about your sleeping habits. So that's number one on my list.

Second, I'm thinking of changing the way I draw and write. Right now, I've got no inspiration for drawing or writing. So naturally, my long-termed novel is still on hiatus. I need some form of releasing my built-up tension, nerves, emotions, and let all my tears out. And I cannot wait forever for them to pour out in the form of words or lines in a sketchbook.

So that leads us to number three. I'm going to start running again. Not running as in... Running away from home. Just like the sport, but without the magnificent trophies and competition. I want to run just for me.

And then lastly, I'm thinking... I need to change myself. I've been doing a lot of.... thinking, and I need to change some aspects of myself. So, here goes.

I'm making one giant leap into the unknown. Who knows what'll happen? I'm just saying I'm ready.

I don't need anyone's hand to hold anymore. I've been depending on too many people for too many of my problems. Now, I feel like I should really just... let go, and learn to jump on my own.

Someone wise told me once, "You will never be able to learn how to recover from a fall, if you never fell."

As much as I would love that cushiony-feeling of someone's shoulder as I'm leaning on them and throwing every bit of my weak, vulnerable self into their arms and crying about every single problem I have, I honestly need to grow up.

I know they'll always be there.

But at the end of the day, I'm the only one there and I'm still wounded and in pain. So I need to learn how to take that first step towards a bandage box, and apply them to my open wounds.


So, I'm praying for all that strength in making my New Year's Resolution to be the first that I can actually pull through with.

The first.


Sincerely Yours,
L.


P.S. That previously named Math teacher gave me a lot of homework. Which I've been pulling off by writing here.

That's another thing I need to change. Hah, my distractive nature and the fact that I have the attention span of a fly.